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It is no secret that last year I experienced a deep and terrible burn out. I stopped functioning completely; my days were mostly spent laying under my weighted blanket scrolling through TikTok, crying in bed, or on the phone to a medical practitioner. I had to cancel all my clients until further notice, and eventually I had to quit my job. It was pretty grim, I must admit, though it did lead me to eventually being diagnosed as Autistic and inevitably changing the course of my life for the better (the body really is always speaking to us).
At the time, I was a mess of shame and despair. Rather than seeing the immeasurable pain I was already experiencing and trying my best to tend and soothe myself, all I could do was wallow. How did I, a 26-year old woman with multiple fancy degrees and qualifications, get to be jobless, chronically unwell, in a perpetual state of turmoil, with little to no savings to my name? All I could do was remind myself of the success of my friends; many with houses of their own, very comfortable savings accounts, and happily cruising up the job ladder ensuring promotion after promotion. I felt like a failure.
What I had not been able to see at the time was how I was comparing my reality with someone else’s version of success. Not once, during that period, did I stop and ask myself, ‘is that even what I desire for my life?’. And while yes, I’ll admit that I would love to have a house of my own with a comfortable savings account to match, I absolutely do not dream of working full time, for someone else, climbing the corporate ladder to afford a home in a suburb I don’t even want to live in. The enormous pressure I was putting on myself during a turbulent season of my life was both largely unhelpful and misplaced.
Burnout or not, I have committed my mid-twenties to building a business. With that, has come a sacrifice I did not expect in the slightest. This sacrifice has looked like not being able to work full time, which inevitably resulted in less earning potential (see minimal savings account). This sacrifice has looked like turning down trips and saying no to expensive events a lot more times than I would have liked to. This sacrifice has looked like devoting a significant amount of time, energy, and resources to mentorship, coaching, and certifications (see again, minimal savings balance).
Building a business is hard. This is what most people said to me when I told them I was going to walk the road of entrepreneurship at the keen age of 22. To which I swiftly shut them down and reminded myself that I had a mindset of steel and had bought a course that promised if I followed their 8 steps exactly I’d be on the road to my first $10,000 month in no time. Sigh. If only she knew.
If I could go back to that 22 year old woman, here is what I would say:
You will feel like a failure a lot. Some offerings won’t sell. People will unsubscribe from your newsletters. Podcast episodes will “flop”. Writing will go unnoticed. For a long time, it will feel like you are screaming into a void. It will be very hard, in those moments, to justify your choice to stray from the well trodden path. You will kick yourself for not making the “easy” choice to get your masters and work for someone else.
But you will keep going anyway. You’ll learn that failure doesn’t exist, not really. Failure is actually an opportunity to look at things in a different way. You’ll learn that every rejection you experienced was actually a sigh of relief a few months later. You’ll learn that it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. You’ll learn that your income will rise and fall dramatically in the span of 60 days, yet you will choose this over the expected weekly salary every single time.
You’ll meet women you would have never crossed paths with had you of not taken the courageous leap to follow the desire within. You’ll receive message after message about how your guidance has shifted the lives of people you have never even spoken to. You will cry tears of gratitude when you receive opportunities you never expected would come to you. And you will see all the work, the study, the frustration, weave itself together into an image of your life that is so striking you’ll lose your breath. Most importantly, you will see that there is no such thing as being “behind” when you’re anchored into your own timeline.
I had to accept very quickly this year that my timeline would be different to those around me. Burnout or not, you cannot compare your journey to those around you. When you’re constantly worried you are behind, ask yourself, behind compared to who? When you make the conscious decision to abandon the collective clock (school, university, find a full time job, find a partner, marry the partner, buy the house, have children, work until retirement, etc) you are also making the decision to abandon comparison. Know this: the collective clock is an outdated concept bread for the nuclear family. We live in different times. Opportunities and choices abound. Children to have or to not have. Degrees to pursue or to not pursue. Businesses to build or not to build.
I am now at a point in my business where I can pay myself a liveable wage and am my own boss. This is a dream I have had for over 5 years. To see this actualised into physical form is something I cannot convey through spoken language alone. Have I made 6 figures yet? No. But I am happy. I am free. I spend my days how I choose. I work with women who nourish my soul in ways I never thought possible. The only person I am comparing myself against is me; my goals, my desires, my dreams and ambitions. I am on my own individual clock. Sensing how close or far away I am to my own truth by connecting to my own body.
If you are neurodivergent, have experienced trauma, have a disability, were raised without adequate resources, were denied opportunities because of the minority groups you belong to, or simply weren’t able to “keep up” in the way Capitalism expects you to, know this: the world was not built for you. It is okay that you are struggling. It is okay that you have not achieved all that you thought you would by now. For many of us, we have to take a softer path at a slower pace. We have had to move past obstacles many do not even know exist. And although it is not fair, it is the truth. So be gentle. Remind yourself that you are doing your best with the tools you have. See the distance you have travelled and celebrate it, however small. Your life is worthy of celebration, even if it does not conform to the picture we were sold.
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This month inside of Kin, we are working on building Self Trust. Where have we abandoned our internal authority for external logic or reasoning? In a world that prioritises the rationality of the mind, it is radically counter-cultural to listen instead to the wisdom of the body.
Thank you so much for writing this. I realised I am autistic at 34 and had the similar journey as yours. Although, I got an additional burden of long covid on the way. I am still trying to figure out how to make a living. Your writing made me feel less alone in the journey. Sending you love and peace ♥️
I resonate so deeply with this, Ella! I intentionally chose to go down the "path less traveled" and although it has been challenging at times, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've had to do a lot of work to stop comparing myself to the paths and timelines of others but I am grateful for people (like you!) that feel like a mirror to my own journey which inspires me to keep moving forward.